The most sexist "strictly platonic" craigslist ad ever.

CL > los angeles > san gabriel valley > all personals > strictly platonic

 dszgh-3661672848@pers.craigslist.org 

flag ^[?] : miscategorized prohibited spam best of 

Posted: 2013-03-05, 5:00PM PST

To my Fellow C-listers - m4w - 28 (Hacienda Heights)

Are you looking for a friend? Are you looking for an experience? Are you looking for something 

that isn't a damn bot?

Well congratulations friend, because you found me!

What's that you say? Everyone on Craigslist wants to be your friend?

Hey, shut up for a second because that's not true. Most guys on Craigslist want their dick to be 

friends with your pussy and that's about it. While this guy right here absolutely adores sex you 

will have little if any problems with pressure from me. For one: This is strictly platonic so that

 shouldn't even be a worry for you. Two: I have recently been dumped. It was bad too. I won't

 go into the details, but the short-version is I am not looking for any kind of intimate relationship

 and I can guarantee you won't be getting anything out of my pants unless it's a dollar for the 

vending machine. Speaking of a dollar! The other reason you won't need to worry about me 

trying to take you out is because I'm broke as fuck. I ain't got no job, my car is in desperate 

need of repairs, and I got enough change in my pocket to buy a snack from the vending....oh

 wait, no I don't; I gave you that dollar.

What's that you say? Well if you're broke... what's in it for me?

Well, you see, you get:
-Intellectual conversation
-Laughter (especially if you're fan of Simpson's wit)
-A freindzone friendly "listen-to-your-bitching-all-day" ear
-Insight and advice (if requested) complete nodding and silence (if not)
-Fucking Awesome! (Free) Adventures!
-A guy who is honest about looking at your cleavage, not because he's a pervert, but because

 you're beautiful!
-And don't forget about that dollar!

You've made it halfway! Check point like a motherfucker! So I've spent the first half going 

through what's wrong with me. What's right with me?!

I'm fucking awesome! Not only do I have an amazing creative repertoire! I'm smart as fuck! 

I use words like repertoire! However, I don't have to be all in your face about it! I will humble 

the shit out of myself, because I'm not here to make you feel inferior, I'm here to compliment 

you. That's what good friends do! See? Creative, smart, humble, and kind! Being broke don't 

seem like such a death sentence now, does it? You want to talk about some righteous political 

debauchery battle? You want to joke about the good ol' days? You want to tell me about that 

awesome squirrel you saw?! All of that sounds awesome! I can't wait to talk about any and 

(hopefully) all of that with you. Tired of talking?! Ready for action!? Let's get off our asses 

and go for a hike! I know this awesome park! You don't want to hike because that takes 

walking? Well, why the fuck didn't you say so? I have this comfy ass couch in front of this 

nice TV that will make movies, cartoons, dramas, documentaries, news, and/or snow appear!

So that's me, what about you?

Well you see, I asked if you wanted a friend. That means, by default it doesn't matter 

what/who/when/why/how you are! If you want a friend, all you have to do is hit that fancy

 little reply button and shoot me one of them new-fangled electronic mails. With that being said,

 I am no different from any human in the world and I do have tastes and preferences, so while

 I am not looking for any of these traits in any particular person if you do have the following, 

we may just connect that quicker. My hobbies include playing videogames. I adore girls who 

play games (as opposed to girl gamers, who I don't adore), writing, watching anime

 (and studying Japanese culture in general), creating (games, ideas, and scenarios), I love the 

Simpsons and I love to quote them even more. I love to joke around wittingly. I love to act, 

I love to project, I love to be seen. I love fast music (nightcore, happy hardcore, and 8-bit mash).

 I love people who can draw, write, or bounce brainstorming ideas. I love zombies!!!

So I've read it all, what now?

Now, it's up to you. Do we become friends? Or do you just pass me up and never meet with me?

 Do I become just another of those billions of people you'll never meet or do I get a special place 

of friendship with you? I'm curious to see which path you'll take. Also, congratulations if you

 read it all the way through, I love people who pay attention to me and people who can read,

 so that's a double bonus for you.

Whoa Whoa Whoa buddy. This is a repost. I read it yesterday.

And it's still awesome isn't it!? Look, I'm gonna level with you, most posts on Craigslist are three

 to five lines of "Hey, give me pic." Then you write a few emails and bam! Never talk again!

 That's fucking lame! Not me! I've decided that I'm gonna make a game out of this ad! From 

today on I will post this ad again sometime past noon for the rest of the week. (monday-sunday)

 There will be different titles, ages, and locations every week to make it tougher to find, but if you

 do find it, message me and I'll give you a friendship token! The person who responds to me with 

the most friendship tokens at the end of the week wins an awesome prize that I haven't decided

 on yet!

• Location: Hacienda Heights
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Posting ID: 3661672848

 

Posted: 2013-03-05, 5:00PM PST

 

Edited: 2013-03-05, 5:00PM PST

 

email to a friend

This Map of the United States of America Shows Where the Most Craigslist Missed Connections Happen in Each State

 Casey Chan

The map of the United States doesn't just show state lines. Sometimes it reveals Google autocomplete stereotypes. Other times it proves that we're not that divided. This map might be the best though. It shows each state's most popular locations for Craigslist Missed Connections. Meaning these are each state's best spot to see somebody you think is pretty cute. It's wonderful.

Dorothy Gambrell made this map for Psychology Today and it reveals some rather enlightening facts (or confirms assumptions we had) of each state. Like it totally makes sense that New York has the most Craigslist Missed connections in the subway. Same for Hawaii and the beach. It also maybe kind of makes sense that California has an obsession with fitness. But man oh man, some of these other popular spots for missed connections are HILARIOUS.

The most popular place to spot potential love in Texas, New Mexico, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Idaho, Montana, South Dakota, Ohio, West Virginia, Tennessee, North Carolina and Florida? Wal-Mart. That's incredible. Check out the full map below:

Let's just camp out at Wal-Mart. [Psychology Today via BuzzFeed]

Fixxer's Pick: Job Opening (Vatican City) - Pope

Leader of international religion (Vatican City)

Job title

Bishop of Rome / Successor of Saint Peter / Holy See / Pontifex / "The Pope"

Background

After the recent resignation of Pope Benedict XVI after almost 7 years of service, the Catholic Church is again looking for a Pope to control the Holy Masses. Please note that this position is highly competitive, with applications expected from superstars including Beyonce, and so not all applicants will receive acknowledgement of their application.

Duties

Expected duties and activities of the candidate (if selected) include:

• Waving hands to large crowds of people


• Conducting Mass (a form of religious ceremony - experience highly regarded)


• Waving incense at functions and events


• Sitting in (comfortable) chairs for long periods of time


• Rule on key religious decisions for the Catholic Church


• Engage with key media organisations, authors (e.g. Dan Brown) and other stakeholders to discuss the role of the Vatican and Catholic Church


• Tweet from the official account @pontifex

Skills, experience & competencies

The candidate should be able to display the following key skills:

• Ability to disregard any scientific or other breakthroughs that would throw doubt into the religion


• Selective memory of events that 'may have occurred' involving staff members of the Vatican and Catholic Church


• Strong skills in denial in a range of topic areas including condom effectiveness


• A highly homophobic attitude


• Excellent skills in making up content on the spot that seems 'deep and meaningful'


• Knowledge of the Catholic Church, its teachings and history is desirable but not required


• Abstinence from all sexual activity

Please note computer skills (other than Twitter) will not be required.

The successful candidate will be required to relocate to Vatican City, a lovely location centrally located within Rome and a very popular tourist destination. A relocation allowance will be supplied to the candidate.

Relationships and accountability

The Pope is accountable only to the Holy Father, who the candidate will report directly to. Please note that the Holy Father is unable to assist in the selection process.

The candidate will need to be accessible 24/7 and be dedicated to the job, which is not confined to (mortal/standard) working hours.

Salary & Compensation

The successful candidate will receive a competitive compensation package, including 7 star residence, access to the Papal helicopter, staff members / assistants as required.

Application process

To apply, please see the detailed Wikipedia article on the Papal conclave.

• Location: Vatican City
• Compensation: As negotiated with successful applicant. Highly competitive.
• This is at a non-profit organization.
• OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Original ad link: http://rome.en.craigslist.it/sls/3609112590.html

Comedy

The 5 Most Awesome Craigslist Apartment Listings of All Time

posted6 hours agoby Eitan Levine

Heavy.com

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I think we can all agree that moving sucks. Next to parallel parking a Hummer with Russel Brand in the front seat making quippy British jokes, getting all your stuff from one place to another place is by far the most stressful thing in the world.

The worst part of moving is finding a new roommate. Sure, you might go out for coffee once with your potential new roomie to see if you guys bond but lets be honest, what can you really find out about someone over a cup of overpriced Starbucks coffee? You might leave thinking "cool! I finally found a great roommie" but chances are that a month into this rooming experiment you will be yelling something like "I CAN'T EFFING TAKE COLDPLAY ANYMORE! HOW MANY EFFING TIMES CAN SOMEONE LISTEN TO 'VIVA LA VIDA'?!?!"

So if you are looking to move in somewhere new, we got your back. Here are the 5 most awesome apartment ads on Craigslist:

1. Awesome Music Video Posting

Watch Now

Jonathan Mann is a 30-year-old musician living in Brooklyn who posts a new song everyday to his Youtube account. He has over 1,490 videos including this gem where he tries to get you to move in with him. His craigslist ad gives you all the info you need.

---

2. This Bad-Ass is Looking to Live in San Fran-Mothatruckin-Sisco

Need a roommate? How about this guy:

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City.

Like Music? COVERED!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

Like to Read? COVERED!

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart.

Hate racism? COVERED!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE.

Snatch that guy up before it is too late!

---

3. What's that?!?!? a $500 room on Craigslist?!?!

---

Your friends would be so into this, share it!

Facebook Twitter Email

4. Ladies?!?!

---

5. Storage Like You Neva Even SEEN Before

This was posted in LA Craigslist a few months ago:

So you were going through Craigslist today and were like "Man, I really like sleeping and shit, but I don't want to start giving plasma to pay rent and prostitution is so competitive, how am I ever gonna get my own place???!"
We got your back: check out this kickass single. This bad boy has freaking storage like you ain't neva seen before, a freaking MASSIVE kitchen (and that stove and refrigerator? yeah, they're included, yo) with a GARBAGE DISPOSAL (so you don't have to dig out shit with your hands cause that's straight up rank). Hardwood floors so you can pour an entire jarof Nutella on 'em and roll around like a diabetic Scrooge McDuck, a big ol' bathroom with tile, a BUILT-IN a/c cause it is hotter than Satan's balls right now, and free street parking!

Call 323-***-**** to see this mother.

It's right by the Metro and some weirdass Mexican place with good food.

There you have it, 5 worth Craigslist roommates sure to provide you with a happy, safe place to lay your head. At least until one of you calls the cops.

Fixxer's Pick of The Day: There's a hole in your boat

This is from the craigslist Flag Help Forum.
Click each title to read the comments.

tpa Legitimate boats by dealer ads flagged non stop < floridaboatsales > 02/13 17:52  -31+5
      : . . That's the funniest thing posted today! § < Behead_the_trolls > 02/13 17:53  -1+13
      : . . . < MyRedHandle > 02/13 17:55  -1+4  pic
      : . . Shit I meant to give -5 not +5 < RTFI > 02/13 17:55  -6+7
      : . . : . . It's the thought that counts. § < vistastinks > 02/13 17:56  -1+7
      : . . : . . Well, it is pretty hilarious... < gonzo_67 > 02/13 18:02  -1+4
      : . . : . . : . . yeah I'll go with that < RTFI > 02/13 18:04  -1+2
      : . . I can offer high level insight, if you show me < RTFI > 02/13 17:56  -1+2
      : . . : . . he can't. it sunk. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 17:56  -1+3
      : . . : . . : . . I'm sure he posted a wave of ads. § < vistastinks > 02/13 17:58  -1+2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . while contemplating his "naval"? § < Behead_the_trolls > 02/13 17:59  -1+1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Nah, he couldn't navigate there. § < vistastinks > 02/13 18:00  -1+2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . it was pier pressure that made him do it. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:00  -1+3
      : . . : . . : . . dinghy-bat! § < Behead_the_trolls > 02/13 18:00  -1+2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . Anchor-head!! § < vistastinks > 02/13 18:01  -1+2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . ...he said with a scowl. Oar "My 40% sail ends" § < Behead_the_trolls > 02/13 18:03  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . I'll sea that sail & raise you a flag. § < KiaStarr > 02/13 18:04  -1+2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Lemme get my thug-boat, i can tow the line. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:06  +3
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . said Tom shippishly. § < Behead_the_trolls > 02/13 18:07  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Stop with the latitude. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:09  -1+1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Oar what? § < KiaStarr > 02/13 18:10  -1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . rudder nonsense will ensue. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:10  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . You all are very salty tonight. § < vistastinks > 02/13 18:11  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . unfathomable. Me? § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:12  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Time for a glass of port at 8 bells. G'night. § < Behead_the_trolls > 02/13 18:14  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . don't drink too much and keel over. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:15  +2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . The wife might deck him § < vistastinks > 02/13 18:16  +2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . that would be going overboard. § < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:17  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Wife might, cuz you have no balls § < floridaboatsales > 02/13 18:54  -1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . You are correct. I am a woman. § < vistastinks > 02/13 18:54  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . That figures. You have a pass sweetie. § < floridaboatsales > 02/13 19:01  
      : . . Oh you are just precious < snicked > 02/13 18:02  -1+10
      : . . I am so sorry it has come to this for you < KiaStarr > 02/13 18:02  -1+4
      : . . I flagged your out of area ads 1,374 times < syrtus > 02/13 18:03  -1+2
      : . . I was going to help you until I read this: < TheFixxer > 02/13 18:04  -1+2
      : . . : . . When he misspelled "subpoena" you knew it < gonzo_67 > 02/13 18:07  -1
      : . . : . . : . . 5 minutes trolling this forum would have been < vistastinks > 02/13 18:10  -1
      : . . Just curious < jason7598 > 02/13 18:11  
      : . . dis you? < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:29  +1  link
      : . . : . . Nice rant and threat in there < KiaStarr > 02/13 18:39  
      : . . : . . : . . Which wont be too many now - its < Peanut3478 > 02/13 19:08  
      : . . : . . MyRedHandle... < floridaboatsales > 02/13 19:57  
      : . . : . . : . . You really have no idea how this site works or < TheFixxer > 02/13 20:17  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . Lol. I am 15 steps ahead of this post...idiot. § < floridaboatsales > 02/13 20:28  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Yeah, in the wrong direction... just saying... < cl-VPD > 02/13 20:33  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . You appear to have outsmarted yourself. < TheFixxer > 02/13 20:38  +1
      : . . Your overwhelming response is appreciated... < floridaboatsales > 02/13 18:31  -1
      : . . : . . you just don't get it, do you? < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:33  
      : . . : . . Really? You didn't think this was laughable? < gonzo_67 > 02/13 18:35  
      : . . : . . Win what exactly? § < KiaStarr > 02/13 18:40  
      : . . : . . : . . his story, much like his ad... full of leeks. < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:44  +2  pic
      : . . : . . What we're trying to say is: < SunnyInLA > 02/13 18:45  
      : . . : . . Stop by my office in person and discuss... < floridaboatsales > 02/13 18:50  -1
      : . . : . . : . . This is a global forum. Did you think we were < SunnyInLA > 02/13 18:53  
      : . . : . . : . . Are you threatening us? I'm calling the cops. § < vistastinks > 02/13 18:53  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . You're an idiot. $100 for face to face visit! < floridaboatsales > 02/13 18:56  -2
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . It's time. F&S. § < SunnyInLA > 02/13 18:57  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Yep, you are threatening us. < vistastinks > 02/13 19:00  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . Which ones????? § < SunnyInLA > 02/13 18:57  
      : . . : . . : . . pay my jet fuel bill, i'll < MyRedHandle > 02/13 18:54  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . Pay your own way asshole < floridaboatsales > 02/13 19:03  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . "pay your own way"? < MyRedHandle > 02/13 19:06  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . And it's the best place to read ridiculous rants < gonzo_67 > 02/13 19:11  
      : . . : . . : . . If you arent looking to get < Peanut3478 > 02/13 19:01  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . Thank you... < floridaboatsales > 02/13 19:33  -1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . It takes more than a few competitors to flag ads < Sinner_Sam > 02/13 19:42  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . No, ... < floridaboatsales > 02/13 19:50  
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . When you meet with law enforcement, < SunnyInLA > 02/13 19:45  +1
      : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . : . . Gladly. § < floridaboatsales > 02/13 19:58  
      : . . Most of you are assholes... < floridaboatsales > 02/13 20:25  
      : . . : . . I would really like your address. I want to < TheFixxer > 02/13 23:04    link